Sim Chen Xing

The time has come. It is every coaches’ biggest fear. After a few rounds of probing, the client looks at you with his eyes blank. The sense of helplessness, accompanied by hint of irritation and annoyance filled the space. The client uttered the words, “I really don’t know…”

As coaches who are accredited by the international coaching federation (ICF), we know full well that any form of input from the coach’s side is generally frowned upon. ICF argues that if advice is given, the client will own less of the solution and their autonomy is detracted (see: https://coachingfederation.org/blog/from-the-toolbox-do-you-give-advice-to-your-clients). But in this situation, you have exhausted every option. You’ve probed from every angle, you’ve used every tool. You have no choice but to concede to the fact that your client is really clueless about the matter at hand. You know that you have to start speaking or risk having an extended awkward silence in the room. In this situation, what will you do?

This is a situation that I’ve struggled with in a coaching conversation that I’ve had. Brian¹, is a high ranking director in a big MNC and he wanted to talk about making friends during a coaching conversation with me. He shared that he’s built boundaries with his peers to maintain a professional relationship — something he’s unwilling to tear down. He has also longed for an authentic friendship he used to enjoy with some of his closest primary school friends when times were a lot simpler. For the conversation, he hopes to find ways to regain authentic friendships like that of his past while maintaining his professionalism and not tearing down professional boundaries. Having explored connecting with his immediate social circle and even social media, he argued that though he could try breaking barriers that stops him from developing connections, he couldn’t get over the psychological barrier that whispers these words in his ears, “these relationships aren’t real”.

“So, what else can you do?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he answered.

As Christian coaches, we believe that God is in control of our hearts and minds. God knows both our clients and ourselves better than we know ourselves. We believe that God knows our needs and our wants. He is also completely capable of providing what is best for our situation. It is at this point where we pray a little prayer in our hearts for the client before continuing the session.

“Brian, so what would it take for you to know?”

He paused for a long time before gathering his thoughts on the matter.

“I will need to tear down my pride and change my perception about what friendship is about. Times have changed and I cannot be stuck in the past,” he uttered softly with his voice trembling.

Most of the time when our client do not know, they’re likely trapped by certain limiting beliefs that was forged since ages past. Humanly speaking, we wouldn’t know. It will require both divine revelation and an added level of openness from the client’s side for it to surface in the discussion. And in the case of Brian, pride was the issue he was struggling with that kept him from making genuine friends.

There are many other things that I’ve heard my coaching friends use in their practice when client respond with repeated “I-don’t-knows”.

Some of them are:

• Tell me, what do you know?
• What will it be like if you know?
• Take a minute and think about it. Tell me what comes to mind?
• Is there a time in your life when you do know?
• What’s the motivation behind the “I-don’t-knows”?

Though these suggestions are helpful, the usefulness of these responses are heavily dependent on the context of the conversation, the openness of the client, and the level of empathy the coach place into the conversation. Employing different questions will also lead to different responses. For example, if the coach were to ask, “is there a time in your life when you do know?” Brian might respond with, “yes, in my childhood where friendships were genuine and without the distractions of modern busyness”. In this case, will the conversation go on? Yes. Will it derive deeper insights to further the conversation? Likely not.

For Brian, the conversation quickly went from making friends to figuring out ways in which he can manage his pride. In the process, he became noticeably dejected and he mumbled, “I think I really am the problem here”. As I sat there thinking about the situation, I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness for him. On one hand, he’s genuine about his desire to make genuine friends. If he isn’t, he wouldn’t have sought a coach. But on the other hand, he found out another part of him that is hindering that very desire. 

Brian is not a Christian, therefore I didn’t use any biblical references during the session. But I couldn’t help but think about the Christian concept of “dying to self”. 

When Jesus taught the disciples about what it takes to follow Him, He said “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24 NIV)

The struggles of Brian weren’t that of following Christ. He simply wanted genuine friendship. But in order to have it, he needs to put aside his pride and his limiting beliefs. If he held on to it, he will lose the opportunity to build the friendships he so desires. But if he loses his pride, then he will gain a prize that is worth so much more.

We ended the session with Brian having a clearer picture of what he is facing. He no longer says, “I don’t know” anymore. Rather, he now focuses on what is ahead with an added sense of clarity.

Is there anything you do not know? It might be time to think a little deeper and figure out the triggers behind the “I-don’t-knows”. If that doesn’t help, consider seeking a coach to hear you out! It’s time to turn the “I-don’t-knows” to “I-knows”!

Footnote:
1. Names and details changed to ensure anonymity.

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