Sim Chen Xing

I really want to break down and cry.

You see, all my days I have been passionate about one thing and one thing alone — to study the Word of God with intense academic rigour. And that is what I have been doing since my rational thought begin to mature. I expounded chapters of the Bible, explored tricky concepts within Christianity, examined the intersections between Christianity and the other philosophical and religious thoughts, and assessed the implications of Christian responses in modernity. My thoughts and reflections are all compiled and consolidated in this blog. Externally, my words reached a multitude of people with many commented their appreciation while some came into discussions with me with various concepts I have touched on. Internally, the analytical rigour of the Word and Christian concepts shaped me dramatically. But realistically and financially, this isn’t getting me anywhere in life.

Coming from a theatrical background, I am well-versed in the Stanislavskian framework of examining the 5W (who, what, where, when, where) of the characters and embodying them. The emphasis of emotions-driven action and the focus of method acting helped me appreciate the psyche of all characters within a play; experiencing their joy and their pain. Though I am trained not as an actor but as a designer, I’m taught the importance of ensuring that the craft captures the wholeness of the play; not just its overall essence, but every experiences of the character, physical, emotional, and psychological. This method formed the basis of how I read the Bible. I often find myself empathizing with the characters portrayed in the Bible. I navigated their thought processes through the examination of their historical and cultural contexts, and experienced their feelings as the events unfolded.

But realistically, where can the study of the Bible get me? When I was in secondary school, pastors approached me to consider the possibility of pastoral ministry. But as a massive introvert, working with people does not really sit well with me. I declined their offer with great uneasiness, knowing full well that I’m called into Biblical studies without the people-interaction. Over time, I explored how God can be experienced or encountered through various fields. I explored the arts, communications, engineering, marketing, and social sciences. In all of these fields, the huge void remained. I knew that the focus of my life is God… But the reality of the world meant that I’m unable to put Him into the work that I do.

One day, back in 2018, I decided to head back to church. Not to serve, but to explore if there is any possibility for me to learn from great spiritual giants in my midst. I applied to serve and learn in Ethos Institute with the hope to master academic rigour in the field of applied theology. However, during the interview, the person in-charged shared that they only accept people with a PhD. I was then offered a position in another evangelical institute which I am eternally grateful for. This position allowed me a glimpse of global Christendom. It has also put me in touch with some great pastors in my region. But deep down, I know this isn’t what I was called to do.

After some time, I completed my undergraduate studies in Sociology and proceeded to do a Master’s by research. I am deeply passionate about what constitutes the truth. I thought it was timely to examine this topic in a time when “fake news” was a very big thing in Singaporean media. With that, I begin wrestling with the concept and how to frame it. Originally, I rooted the truth in the Biblical teaching of Jesus being the ultimate truth. But this notion does not sit well in a secular Unviersity with a non-religious and applied focus. It took me more than a semester of writing and re-writing before I decided on examining people’s subjective interpretation and responses to fake news. But even that, I find that the foundation of my paper shaky and not grounded on anything. Sure, I have included various academic models to back my argument. But no matter how robust the model is, I cannot find its roots. Ultimately, I have published no articles from my Master’s dissertation because I find that the basis of my argument founded on shifting sand. But despite this, I never left academia.

Everyday, I struggle with the notion of meaning and purpose. I wrestle with my mind and my heart to find meaning in the work that I do on the daily basis. Crunching numbers and writing documents do not satisfy my heart the way intense study of the Word does. But with work and other life commitments came my way, I find it harder and harder to indulge myself in the Word of God.

Through a stroke of grace, I was introduced to the world of coaching. Through coaching, I am put in touch with many good people in the International Coaching Federation community. Having partook in hundreds of hours of peer-coaching, I got the opportunity to not just grow in my skills, but also to learn from the struggles of others across the globe. The insights and aha moments that I co-created with these clients and peer coaches deeply energized me. Once again, I found meaning. No matter how insignificant in comparison to the grand calling, it still had a positive impact.

That brought me to several weeks ago. I was on the verge of giving up all hope and resign to a fate of no-progression in academia. But God, in His timely humour, reignited a spark of hope. In my quest for higher studies, I wrote to a theological professor whose academic writings I have found in my quest for deeper reflection, responded to my query about a possible doctoral programme. Despite me having limited theological background, he initiated a meeting. That caught me completely off-guard. Maybe there’s hope after all! I begin naively fantasizing about the possibiility of learning from the best of the best. I begin considering how I can master theological academic rigour under the watchful supervision of a theology expert. I thought that maybe I can finally ride on the shoulders of a giant into a pathway predestined for me.

Over the past week, I begin intently studying philsophical theories and arguments brought forth by this professor. I studied his cited works and everything else I can lay my hands on. I explored ways in which I can apply these theories in my current lives — in my coaching practices and in my practical spiritual life. I begin to think, “I can do this”. But God had other plans.

Before the call, I was listening to the Truth Church (真道教会) youtube music playlist while running errands for work. It is a playlist that has been playing in the background as I work for the past few weeks. But this morning, one line within the song “Sungguh Indah (如此美丽)” stood out to me. It reads,

我未曾想过的自己(The side of me which I don’t know）
从祢眼中看见的我（The side of me that You see）
如此美丽（Is so beautiful)

Or in the song’s original language, Bahasa:

yang kau pikirkan tentangku
Tak terselami bagiku
Sungguh indah

As I reflected upon the lyrics, I cannot help but wonder what about me that is so beautiful in the eyes of God. I am seriously helpless in my current context, wondering aimlessly through life with seemingly no direction whatsoever. Spiritually, I’m also battling my inner demons that condemns me in every aspect of my life. Just what is it about me that God sees?

But after a couple of minutes of meditation, a sudden calmness of accompanied with this simple revelation — it does not matter what God sees. What matters is that I am beautiful in His eyes.

The meeting begin with me sharing a little about my background. But shortly after I have done that, the first question he asked me was, “do you have any theological or divinity background”? I responded, “No. My background is in the social sciences”.

My heart sank.

He went on to explain that I would not meet the entry requirements and that I can consider other pathways such as starting from a undergraduate with honours or a Master’s. I mean, sure, I would love to. But I want to scream the fact that I am unable to do it because I cannot pastor. I am currently not a pastor. And in my world, going into this field will require a minimum of two years of pastoral ministry or the like. That simply isn’t possible. That’s simply not me. I struggle with basic human interaction in church beyond the scope of bible studies. How can I even pastor?

We ended the call and I fell back to my seat. I wonder if it is all meant to be. Even though I do not know how to make sense of it, I searched my heart and found no stress. No anger, no resentment, no confusion, nothing. Just silence. Just calmness.

This simply doesn’t make sense to me.

I recall the intense anger and resentment I have for myself when I failed my other job applications and PhD applications. But this? I don’t understand why I am fine.

But it is okay then I am. At the very least, I am calm enough to think rationally.

I went back and sought comfort in the song that stood out to me earlier. The song reads,

我还能躲藏祢到哪里呢 (Where can I go to hide from you)
使我不离开祢的圣灵 (Let me not leave your Holy Spirit)
最好朋友 在我身旁 (My best friend, right by my side)

我献上我全所有给祢 (I give my all to you)
只因祢顺服天父献上生命 (Because you submit to the Father and gave Your life)
何等荣耀 付上代价 (How glorious, You paid the price)

何等伟大 祢已为我完全牺牲 (How glorious, You sacrificed Yourself for me)
如此的深刻 无法领悟的祢 (The depths of Your love, I cannot understand)
何等伟大 (How glorious)

如此美丽 我未曾想过的自己 (How beautiful, The side of me which I don’t know)
从祢眼中看见的我 (The side of me that You see)
如此美丽 (Is so beautiful)

我未曾想过 自己在祢眼中会如此美丽 (I never thought I would be so beautiful in Your sight)
挪去我的恐惧 领我沈浸在祢完全的爱丽 (Take away my fears, immerse me in Your love)

As I let my heart get carried away with the tune of the song, I reasoned in my head the reasons for the beauty that was mentioned in the song. The writer wrote that it is the side of us that God saw — the side that we haven’t understood — that is beautiful. It is the side that Jesus sees that made Him go down the path to Golgatha. It was that side of us that Christ saw within us that is beyond our understanding.

As I meditated on Kierkegaard’s fear and trembling, I am reminded that it was the hiddenness of God — His silence, His lack of explanation, His refusal to reassure — that renders faith the highest passion. Without proof, relationship becomes infinitely more intimate and precious. Such intimacy with God rests not in clarity, but on the trust of the unfathomable.

I thought about how God sees things from eternity and how my finite perception of life limits my view of God and of myself. I thought about the things that I do not know about myself and how I have constantly filled my mind with negativity. I started to see that how the negativity that I fill my heart and mind with blinded me to my limitations. As I spiral into negativity, I grew increasingly anxious and helpless. All I can see is the black hole that I am stuck within, not knowing anything else beyond it and having no power to escape from it.

But that isn’t what God sees. He sees things as it is. He sees things as a whole. He doesn’t just know us in our current context. He know us whole. He knew our essence; our being. Beyond the work of Jesus Christ on the cross and His blood covering our sins, God made us as persons who are eternally loved and eternally cherished. Every spot and every blemish tells a story about Him. Every wound and every bruise strengthens our faith and intensifies our relationship with Him.

As I struggled in my little dip in life’s journey, He reminds me that He is our best friend — one that never leaves. Despite the apparent “hiddenness”, He has never left; not even a step. We just do not know it.

Therefore, just like Jacob who recognised God’s presence with him in that place, the only appropriate response from us when we recognise God is with us is worship.

When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it.” He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.” Early the next morning Jacob took the stone he had placed under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on top of it. — Genesis 28:16-18, NIV.

Unlike Jacob, we know that God is not limited to a place. He is everywhere. If even the highest heavens cannot contain God (See 1 Kings 8:27), how much less a physical place. When we consider how God remembered us despite our lowly estate (See Psalms 136:23), and how He reached out from heaven, took hold of us, and drew us out of deep waters (See Psalms 18:16), let us not forget He did all these because He delighted in us (See Psalms 18:19; Proverbs 8:30-31). We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His sight (See Psalms 139:14) and we are all together beautiful (Songs of Solomon 4:7).

We are beautiful. Not in the conventional sense.

We are beautiful. Because God says we are.